Top 5
Laura Stein (You know how some people always get first and last name? She's one of them.) recently reminded me of something so funny I'm actually under house arrest for forgetting it.
One day (at approximately 10:30am) this gigantic 6'6" pottymouthed turd of an art director engaged me in a verbal setto that ended with "You want to take this outside? Because we can take this outside." I was completely stunned. I said "Dennis, this is a FUCKING workplace." (Laura's comments: If I were an actor, I would have studied the sound of shock, disbelief, and rage that came out of your mouth, and reproduced it later on stage.) Kinder jumps in with "Nobody's taking anything outside." I could hear CB shouting something from down the hall. By the time I got back to my desk Russell had sent me three messages; the gist of all of them was "It's hard to art direct when you're a monstrous asshole."
So anyone reading my column and thinking that my office was all happy funland...there were days I was threatened with bodily harm.
Jesus. How could I forget that?! Anyway.
Top 5 workplace stories...
One day (at approximately 10:30am) this gigantic 6'6" pottymouthed turd of an art director engaged me in a verbal setto that ended with "You want to take this outside? Because we can take this outside." I was completely stunned. I said "Dennis, this is a FUCKING workplace." (Laura's comments: If I were an actor, I would have studied the sound of shock, disbelief, and rage that came out of your mouth, and reproduced it later on stage.) Kinder jumps in with "Nobody's taking anything outside." I could hear CB shouting something from down the hall. By the time I got back to my desk Russell had sent me three messages; the gist of all of them was "It's hard to art direct when you're a monstrous asshole."
So anyone reading my column and thinking that my office was all happy funland...there were days I was threatened with bodily harm.
Jesus. How could I forget that?! Anyway.
Top 5 workplace stories...
posted by J Wilson at Thursday, September 29, 2005
5 Comments:
Setting: the tiny bike shop where I worked from age 14 to--well, into The College Years.
Now the owner and I used to amuse ourselves on slow days by finding new places to hide our stuffed mannequin; these places usually involved compromising postures, natch.
One night, as I was locking up, a car raced into our parking lot. A woman and small child jumped out: had spotted me from the highway…in desperate need of a restroom. I unlocked the front door and pointed out our dismally lit back corner bathroom. I forgot that I had arranged our mannequin so that, when the bathroom door was closed, the mannequin would sort of slump, foamy arms outstretched, onto the head of whoever had entered. Enter mother and child. Click of the door. I will never forget the screams.
MVBMS - My officemate Bobby calls me over to watch a Philips animatronic. At one point, this pistol appears from the right side and points at this cute little puppy. I was like "What the fuck was that?" and Bobby is laughing and giggling going "What was what?" (I think one of the partners later saw the same edit, but never said anything.)
Hoppin Jalapeno's - Creating "specials" which were actually items from the menu, but charging two dollars more per dish.
ZPFM - Gertie was Jeffica. Jeffica was me. I was Gertie for Halloween. There were so many comic moments to this, but my favorite was explaining to EZ (as Gertie): "Yeah, man, it would have been really cool to be each other for Halloween, except Wilson pussied out and I didn't have any clothes that looked like Jeffica."
ZPFM - Partner presentation for a French lingerie brand. Tracy (holding up a B/W photograph of a woman's bare breasts, cropped from neck to navel) "So we'll put the bra over something tasteful and statuesque like this. It will be very French." Frierson: "Will the breasts be French as well?" Me: "Those breasts are German." Tracy: "Wait. This is a photograph of Heidi Klum. How could you know that?"
Summer job doing data entry - I went downstairs for a smoke, but I left my pack upstairs. I bummed a cigarette off a total stranger. He turned out to be my best friend's dad. That was the first time I met him after nine years.
Jeremy arrived in Amsterdam early in the morning. He disembarked with a bottle of LaPhraoig. We proceeded to drink the whole damn thing.
Afterwards, we went to my office so he could use the computer and meet my friends. I had the day off, so I didn't mind going in drunk. I think we were big entertainment that day. Jer was dubbed "Wild Bill Hickock", and Johan said "You guys stink of whisky, uh?" We sure damn did.
My favorite stories all involve my crazy boss at [Small Flightless Waterfowl] Books. Like the time she sat down on the floor in front of my desk and burst into tears because a manuscript she was waiting for hadn't come in with the morning FedEx delivery. Or the time she slammed down her phone and threw it across her office just as the CEO walked by. Or the time she made me cry on my first day of work because I wasn't photocopying things fast enough. (I'm just realizing... between the photocopier and the FedEx incident, she must have had the mistaken impression that I could alter space and time. No wonder she was always so disappointed.)
Then there was her boss, who considered her time so precious that she made other editors follow her into the bathroom and have conversations with her while she was peeing.
One extra long, dead night at L32, after folding 100 effing napkins, I felt so sorry for my $3 night that I burst into tears in the middle of talking to the manager, right at the reception while cashing out (all of $3 that I made. woo hoo). Extra pride goes to being able to cry on command to scare some of the customers coming in as I was leaving.
I am such a girl. But then again, how else would I be able to manipulate people?
Post a Comment
<< Home