What A Girl Doesn't Know She Wants
As promised, here is my hyper-extended list of ways that guys are not yucky:
Suppose you're running late to meet a guy a bar. It's raining; your perfect hair-do has collapsed. Your little black shoes have that gray goop on them. You arrive and he doesn't give you the third degree; he stands up, says "hi," and asks you what you want to drink
Every so often when you're sitting there, doing nothing, flowers show up. Some guy did that
Games of catch, horror movie snuggle-ups, weirdo philosophical rants, cool scars, air guitar, reading you to sleep...all dudes
And a shelf full of second best song mixes is better than an empty shelf
If they like you, they always want to see you naked. Even when you're having a "take a shower in jeans and a sweatshirt" day, they still want to see you naked
You're one of 11 people who will ever see him cry
He will never let you get into a fight; he will sometimes get into a fight for you
If you wake him up in the middle of the night to "talk," he'll tell you to go back to sleep. And that's actually the smartest thing to do in that situation.
Also, if you've had 5 salads that week, he'll order you a pizza. If you've had 5 slices of pizza that week, he'll order you a burger. You can't beat that logic with an atomic bomb.
Whenever you're getting it on, and things are so hot that you're like "Tell me what you want me to do," if he has any stones at all, he says "You're doing it."
Instructionals in macho shit like riflery, pool or good writing, because he thinks you're cool enough to profit from it
Reaching high-up stuff in the kitchen when you're cooking together
Charming your mom, flipping your dad out
Smelling like guys, even when that means cigarettes, booze and Old Spice deodorant
Every so often, they make themselves intentionally bad at something they're good at; this isn't to make you doubt their credibility. It's to let you know you're more important than that other shit
Occasionally it's refreshing to be a part of a weltanschauung where all the world's problems disappear in a game of pinball
You'd never go to a strip club unless a dude invited you
If they're straight, you always dance better than them
Sometimes they let you dress them up. The down side of this is you have to buy them clothes. The up side is you're now a deist god advertising your glory to all the other girls that see him
Emotional distance: it may seem like one of the male shortcomings, but imagine if the opposite were true. You'd never have a single fucking moment to yourself
Because of this, the smart ones don't drown you in mush. They keep their autonomy, their integrity, and their truly deep admiration for you bound up in little digestible packages labelled "Save for that moment"
When you need to laugh, the good ones know instantly how to make that happen
This includes such unladylike activities as burping your name, calling your micromanaging boss "your mongoloid boss," impersonating said boss as a retard, or grabbing your ass in public then saying "What?!"
On that note, sex. Some guys, I hear, are mind-blowing at it
They'll never make fun of you in a mean way, even if you break their hearts
I welcome your screed.
Suppose you're running late to meet a guy a bar. It's raining; your perfect hair-do has collapsed. Your little black shoes have that gray goop on them. You arrive and he doesn't give you the third degree; he stands up, says "hi," and asks you what you want to drink
Every so often when you're sitting there, doing nothing, flowers show up. Some guy did that
Games of catch, horror movie snuggle-ups, weirdo philosophical rants, cool scars, air guitar, reading you to sleep...all dudes
And a shelf full of second best song mixes is better than an empty shelf
If they like you, they always want to see you naked. Even when you're having a "take a shower in jeans and a sweatshirt" day, they still want to see you naked
You're one of 11 people who will ever see him cry
He will never let you get into a fight; he will sometimes get into a fight for you
If you wake him up in the middle of the night to "talk," he'll tell you to go back to sleep. And that's actually the smartest thing to do in that situation.
Also, if you've had 5 salads that week, he'll order you a pizza. If you've had 5 slices of pizza that week, he'll order you a burger. You can't beat that logic with an atomic bomb.
Whenever you're getting it on, and things are so hot that you're like "Tell me what you want me to do," if he has any stones at all, he says "You're doing it."
Instructionals in macho shit like riflery, pool or good writing, because he thinks you're cool enough to profit from it
Reaching high-up stuff in the kitchen when you're cooking together
Charming your mom, flipping your dad out
Smelling like guys, even when that means cigarettes, booze and Old Spice deodorant
Every so often, they make themselves intentionally bad at something they're good at; this isn't to make you doubt their credibility. It's to let you know you're more important than that other shit
Occasionally it's refreshing to be a part of a weltanschauung where all the world's problems disappear in a game of pinball
You'd never go to a strip club unless a dude invited you
If they're straight, you always dance better than them
Sometimes they let you dress them up. The down side of this is you have to buy them clothes. The up side is you're now a deist god advertising your glory to all the other girls that see him
Emotional distance: it may seem like one of the male shortcomings, but imagine if the opposite were true. You'd never have a single fucking moment to yourself
Because of this, the smart ones don't drown you in mush. They keep their autonomy, their integrity, and their truly deep admiration for you bound up in little digestible packages labelled "Save for that moment"
When you need to laugh, the good ones know instantly how to make that happen
This includes such unladylike activities as burping your name, calling your micromanaging boss "your mongoloid boss," impersonating said boss as a retard, or grabbing your ass in public then saying "What?!"
On that note, sex. Some guys, I hear, are mind-blowing at it
They'll never make fun of you in a mean way, even if you break their hearts
I welcome your screed.
posted by J Wilson at Thursday, September 08, 2005
8 Comments:
Are you fucking kidding me?
First of all:
"Every so often when you're sitting there, doing nothing, flowers show up. Some guy did that."
I know ZERO times this has happened to me or any of my friends. Oh, no, sorry, ONE FRIEND this happens to every now and then, but we suspect her husband is actually GAY.
Unfortunately, Jer, this is all romantic bullshit that YOU may do, but I don't know many others. So this list should be "Ways in which Jer and few other select men are not yucky."
"Instructionals in good writing"??? Who the fuck did you get this list from? A 14-year old? Someone who can't do a goddamn thing for herself?
Christ.
He only hits until you cry. After that, you won't ask why.
OK, Ash, then we'll say you're in the "opens stuck jars and hooks up the stereo" camp.
Actually, how about this? Guys can beat the living shit out of you...I mean hit you so hard that you would cry blood for days...but they don't, because that would be yucky.
And, I wrote EVERYTHING in that list, so...drum roll, please...of course, it sounds like me. And as to my "instructionals" section, I invoke my sense of fucking humor.
Oh chill out, you softie you.
Yeah, Love is... Those sexless little kewpie dolls tickle me. I remember whenever my grandmother found one that particularly "spoke to her" she put it up on the refrigerator next to some quote from the church newsletter. What can I say? I'm hereditarily disposed to worship at the temple of crap.
And oops, typo; I meant 11 teen thousand. Someone hand me a fucking hanky here!
I guess I've known Jer too long to get flowers.
But since I've known him that long, I should be able to give him plenty of shit instead without him crying about it.
Drunky.
"Emotional distance: it may seem like one of the male shortcomings, but imagine if the opposite were true. You'd never have a single fucking moment to yourself."
Shit, you mean I didn't have to marry an English guy for this?
;-)
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