The US & how to fix it
So, last night, Josh and I were emailing about our current reading. (FYI: Simon Singh's Big Bang for him, DeLillo's Cosmopolis, Nabokov's Pale Fire, MacEwan's Atonement, and Matthew Pearl's The Dante Club for me.)
Here's a brief recap of the conversation:
Josh: I just picked up Big Bang by Simon Singh. He rocked the history of cryptology so hard in The Code Book that I can't wait to see what he does with the birth of the universe. Oops. I mean, "The Birth of Christ" for all those kids in Kansas.
Me: Thank Jesus, Dover still has some sense. Can we unannex Kansas? Is there a clause in the Constitution that says we can get rid of states? Kansas hasn't done shit, but be associated with shit and shit philosophies. I hope God gets mad that human beings have not figured out He really doesn't exist. Only that could justify the Apocalypse.
Josh: Kansas gave us In Cold Blood and Dwight. I think that's all it has to offer.
Me: Kansas also gave us Dennis Hopper and Damon Runyon...notably neither made a name for themselves there.
There you have it. Unless someone has some secret knowledge proving Kansas is a cultural mecca, I'll continue with my American image gerrymandering.
I've long held that America is not 50 states. It's only three. New York. California. Texas. The rest are pale impersonators of some dominating aspect of one of these states. And, the actual capital of the United States is Chicago. Washington DC is too poor, too facadey, too government to represent a focal point for the American polity. Like other artificial capitals (Ottawa, Brasilia, Canberra), it sucks.
So here's your map of the future. Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Arizona, Nevada, North Dakota, South Dakota...all you fuckers are California. Alaska, Nebraska, Kansas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico...that's new Texas. Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts...new New York. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Michigan, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia...that's Chicagoland. Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia...I'm not feeling very imaginative. Let's call them The South.
OK, I had to add two, because I need an odd number for legislative matters. And Texas doesn't want to be associated with The South, even though it is.
Now go look at your electoral college map. Check it. New York, California, and Chicagoland keep Texas and The South in balance. Now, with the Midwest spread evenly between Chicagoland, Texas, and California, we don't have to worry about family values going all haywire. True, there is a bit of a rub with all the major metropolitan centers concentrated in New York, but I imagine the other four states can juice something out for themselves. C'mon, Chicagoland...they've got wide shoulders there. I realize the assumption of Alaska into Texas will raise some eyebrows. Go with me on this one.
Now what to do with the old capital. I suggest we turn everything from Baltimore to Alexandria into a national reserve. Sort of like colonial Williamsburg, but we don't change anything. We use it as a living museum to city mismanagement, fat cat politics, external renovations at the expense of infrastructure, etc. The best part is we can pay the poor people to stay there. You're probably asking "But, if we pay them, won't they not be poor?" As a person who has rarely lived longer than paycheck to paycheck as an adult, we have nothing to worry about at all. I may move into Tenleytown, if this thing takes off.
You're probably wondering who will come to this national reserve. For one, high school students. It's part of civics class. Another group, Scandanavians. I always hated seeing the Norse backpackers schlepping down 125th St. It was like "Hey, you blonde dick, get your own black people." (Which brings out another point, all travelers are basically human zoo visitors. That so makes me chuckle.)
I'm wondering if we shouldn't keep government in DC to teach future politicians a lesson, but the fuck...it's been a shame of a city since what? 1820? 1866? Let it be a beacon of failure.
OK, now that we've consolidated the states, let's get to work on fracturing political parties. TK.
Here's a brief recap of the conversation:
Josh: I just picked up Big Bang by Simon Singh. He rocked the history of cryptology so hard in The Code Book that I can't wait to see what he does with the birth of the universe. Oops. I mean, "The Birth of Christ" for all those kids in Kansas.
Me: Thank Jesus, Dover still has some sense. Can we unannex Kansas? Is there a clause in the Constitution that says we can get rid of states? Kansas hasn't done shit, but be associated with shit and shit philosophies. I hope God gets mad that human beings have not figured out He really doesn't exist. Only that could justify the Apocalypse.
Josh: Kansas gave us In Cold Blood and Dwight. I think that's all it has to offer.
Me: Kansas also gave us Dennis Hopper and Damon Runyon...notably neither made a name for themselves there.
There you have it. Unless someone has some secret knowledge proving Kansas is a cultural mecca, I'll continue with my American image gerrymandering.
I've long held that America is not 50 states. It's only three. New York. California. Texas. The rest are pale impersonators of some dominating aspect of one of these states. And, the actual capital of the United States is Chicago. Washington DC is too poor, too facadey, too government to represent a focal point for the American polity. Like other artificial capitals (Ottawa, Brasilia, Canberra), it sucks.
So here's your map of the future. Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Arizona, Nevada, North Dakota, South Dakota...all you fuckers are California. Alaska, Nebraska, Kansas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico...that's new Texas. Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts...new New York. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Michigan, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia...that's Chicagoland. Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia...I'm not feeling very imaginative. Let's call them The South.
OK, I had to add two, because I need an odd number for legislative matters. And Texas doesn't want to be associated with The South, even though it is.
Now go look at your electoral college map. Check it. New York, California, and Chicagoland keep Texas and The South in balance. Now, with the Midwest spread evenly between Chicagoland, Texas, and California, we don't have to worry about family values going all haywire. True, there is a bit of a rub with all the major metropolitan centers concentrated in New York, but I imagine the other four states can juice something out for themselves. C'mon, Chicagoland...they've got wide shoulders there. I realize the assumption of Alaska into Texas will raise some eyebrows. Go with me on this one.
Now what to do with the old capital. I suggest we turn everything from Baltimore to Alexandria into a national reserve. Sort of like colonial Williamsburg, but we don't change anything. We use it as a living museum to city mismanagement, fat cat politics, external renovations at the expense of infrastructure, etc. The best part is we can pay the poor people to stay there. You're probably asking "But, if we pay them, won't they not be poor?" As a person who has rarely lived longer than paycheck to paycheck as an adult, we have nothing to worry about at all. I may move into Tenleytown, if this thing takes off.
You're probably wondering who will come to this national reserve. For one, high school students. It's part of civics class. Another group, Scandanavians. I always hated seeing the Norse backpackers schlepping down 125th St. It was like "Hey, you blonde dick, get your own black people." (Which brings out another point, all travelers are basically human zoo visitors. That so makes me chuckle.)
I'm wondering if we shouldn't keep government in DC to teach future politicians a lesson, but the fuck...it's been a shame of a city since what? 1820? 1866? Let it be a beacon of failure.
OK, now that we've consolidated the states, let's get to work on fracturing political parties. TK.
posted by J Wilson at Tuesday, November 15, 2005
2 Comments:
In The City, whenever one of those double decker observation tourist bus things would go by, I would look up at the people and feel like I was an animal, and they were on safari.
How true! All those flashing cameras. I remember when I would take my dogs to go swimming in Spuyten Duyvil, the Circle Line would cruise by and everyone would start waving at me. It felt like feeding the wild antelopes at the International Wildlife Park from my car window, except in reverse, of course.
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