Butler trouble

I decided not to fly off the handle with my new butler. Perhaps he grew up in those undeveloped tracts near Woadard. Instead, I put together a little test to see if he was a capable butler or just some punk poser looking to hang out at Elder Manor in formal wear. I sent forth this post for his immediate response:

"As my butler, can you write my next blog entry? It should be witty. I'm not paying you for this. In fact, can I borrow some cash from you? Also can you concoct 25 things that milady does well & enjoys? I'd like to surprise her w/these. Are you willing to seduce women for me too? Much of my day goes into this."

He responded back immediately.

"Well, my lord, I would get right on it but my lady has asked me to drink a bottle of whiskey and entertain her w/ my moustache this afternoon."

"Listen up, butler. You can keep the moustache, but hands off the whisky, you hear? As to milady, you just leave her to me." And with that, I left him holding a jar of theatrical glue and nothing else.

Seven shots later, I was ready to see milady.

"Really, what's with this butler?"

"What do you mean? He's head butler. He's to delegate all the work of the house to the lower minion workers."

"OK, first of all, I think that 'head butler' is a title someone earns. Can we just call him the butler? Second of all, there are no other workers here...lower or upper minion."

"Well, in that case, he has to wear a uniform, and get drunk in the evenings for my entertainment."

"That's what he told me he was doing. That sounds funny."

"Like a court jester."

"Hmmm, well then maybe we were rash in hiring him as a butler?"

"What do you want him to do as butler? I have made my plans crystal clear."

"I'll get back to you."

I left milady and rediscovered the half-bottle of whisky. Apparently, tidying up is not in our butler's purview. I sent the butler an item for his immediate attention.

"How about this, butler? You may utterly devote yourself to milady for four days of the week. And to me, for the other three. Surely you cannot object to this sound balance of power and attention. (NB. I still have to figure out a use for you. Would you object to taking a survey of your skill set?)

Yrs.
Mr. Lord"

The butler responded with due diligence.

"Sir, it's quite alright. Milady often encourages you to have a private moment with yourself, as it were. She says it's good for you...

"A skills inventory seems most appropriate, sir. I am good at drinking and entertaining. I also have some facility with a lady's lower quarters. Will those skills be of service to you, sir?"

I returned to milady, and showed her the post.

"You see here. He's only good at drinking and entertaining. And I'm more than competent in those areas. As to those female lower quarters, he can give pedicures in his off-hours."

"Well, it strikes me that you possess an excellence for those things he mentioned...although with only toenails, your talents may be wasted...anyway, my suggestion is this. You should be the butler. That way you can do as you please, and I will still have someone to entertain me while you're away."

"So, hold on. I need to become the butler of my own manor, so I can drink and entertain...like I'm supposed to do anyway? Who's going to tie my bow ties then?"

"One second. I'll dial the butler. One second. Butler, Milord wants you to tie his bow ties. Yes. Yes. Very well. The butler says he doesn't know how to tie a bow tie, so he would appreciate it if you would tie his for this evening's entertainment. Elder Manor will be a sad and lonely place indeed should the Lady of the Manor be unhappy."

"OK. If the butler drinks and entertains you this evening, does that mean I have the night off?"

"That's silly. You can't have the night off from your own manor. No, you must stay here too. The butler will arrive at 5pm."

I realized at this point I would need to find interested servants, both lower and upper minion, that I could delegate work to, if I was ever going to get this butler out of my manor.